One of the most painful experiences you may have as a renter? If you’re living with your significant other and you decide to break up, one or both of you will have to move out. Even if ending your relationship is ultimately for the best, untangling your home lives can be a stressful endeavor. But there’s hope. We spoke with Julie Ingenohl (
https://liveyourmessytruth.com/), a licensed marriage and family therapist in Glastonbury, Connecticut, who gave us her top tips on how to survive moving out of the apartment you once shared with your significant other.
Reassure Yourself You’ll be OK
“The most important thing to consider when you’re moving when you’re still living with your significant other is that you’re going to get through this, and it’s all going to be alright. Use this mantra if you need to, and repeat it in your head, to help keep yourself calm. Because it simply is. It often seems like pain is going to take hold of us and swallow us whole. But there’s only one way through pain, and it’s to completely feel it, not squash it,” says Ingenhol.
Be Calm and Gentle With Your Partner
“Remember the love. No matter what has happened between you, there was and most likely still is love. Your significant other probably also in a tremendous amount of pain,” she says. “Just be kind and you will get through it.”
Be Kind to Yourself
When you’re being sweet to your ex, don’t forget to give that same kindness to yourself too.
“Be patient with yourself. Understand that you will have moments where the pain wave gets to be too much and take a break. Deep breath, until you feel like you can continue. Allow the pain to come up, but not to take over,” she says.
If you feel yourself getting angry, pause. Remember that this will all be over soon.
Be Considerate of Your Partner
One of the most wrenching parts of moving out? Divvying up your stuff. To help, try to be considerate of your former significant other.
“Don’t pack into wee hours of the night, or slam things around, even if you’re feeling angry and frustrated. Don’t take anything you consider to be ‘shared’ items, until you have discussed it with your partner. Check in with him or her to see how they are doing. Let them know you understand how painful this is,” she says.
Try to move out when your ex isn’t there. That will make it easier on both of you.
Don’t Let Your Emotions Rule You
Since this is a charged time, “remember to take it slow and not let the emotions make decisions for you,” says Ingenhol. “Some emotions that you might be feeling are pain, anger, frustration, resentment and even rage. Remember that pain is merely the tip of the iceberg; the rest of our emotions are brewing under the surface and can be intense. It can be hard to make decisions when you are engulfed in emotions.”
How to Decide Who Gets the Apartment
“Negotiating on who gets the apartment when fraught with emotion can be tough. Let practicality be your guide. Who can best afford it? Who has the best alternative living situation? Try to take the emotion out when deciding,” she says.
Rely on Your Friends
Just like you would during any difficult times, try to lean on your closest allies to make it through the days.
“Best ways to get through it: lean on your supports: family and friends,” she says. Chances are they’ve had similar experiences and can help you.
Respect How You Both Decide to Cope
“Remember that everyone has different break up styles. And if your partner needs to be quiet and isolate, respect that. Or, if you need space from your partner, that is perfectly okay as well,” she says.
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Prepare to be Alone
“Loneliness is a raw, tough emotion to bear,” Ingenhol says. “Make a list of things you would enjoy doing by yourself: going for a walk in the park, seeing a matinee, heading to the beach, catching a new exhibit at a museum. The only way to get used to being alone, is well, to be alone,” she says.
Lastly, remind yourself that you will get through this.
If you’re moving out of your apartment, check out these tips on
how to make the process easier.
