2120 E Locust St, Milwaukee, WI 53211

Ah, so you're seeking two bedrooms. Congratulations on surpassing the lowly title of reclusive cat-person! Mom will be proud.

Speaking of moms, this apartment... has tons of natural light for your burgeoning succulent collection which you acquired to prove to her that you can keep something besides yourself alive. I agree 100%. Having the nurturing capacity of a desert is impressive.

What’s that? You’re emotionally developed beyond a desert biome? Very well, your cat may also live here, but no birds. Birds are filthy and reflect poorly upon you. No one’s social standing ever improved after getting a bird (except pirates and we don’t rent to pirates west of Downer).

Perhaps it’s my lucky day and you’re some posh social media influencer. Then you’ll appreciate the spacious bedrooms to record your TikToks and Facebooks. In the spring you and your slightly-less-cooler-than-you flatmate can tandem bike to Bradford beach for a picnic to show the internet how much fun your life is. And afterwards you can tandem bike to Oakland Gyros to be the real you.

Did I mention how many closets this place has? Tons. Great for all your outfits or, my personal favorite, hop in a closet with an R.E.M. playlist on your AirPods and have a good cry.

Hey don’t judge til you try. I suppose you’re more of a classic “cry in the shower” kind of person. Fair enough. I started there too. This has a great bathroom for crying in the shower and the water pressure to remind you everything’s gonna be alright. Plus, FREE heat with your rent, so you’ll be nice and cozy as you collect yourself for another YOLO day!

Also, we have parking spaces, discounted internet and on-site laundry. Sorry, nothing weird to say about that.

Well, this has been great. I’m feeling much better. If you want to go for a test cry, IM me and we’ll set up a tour. And don’t worry if you forget your towel, you can buy one at the gift shop in the lobby. Lee mas